You better watch your mouth when any words fall out. [entries|friends|calendar] Elyse [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[21 Nov 2009|11:15pm] Jesus, I feel like a selfish asshole lately. But is it so wrong of me to want someone to ask me about my day? And offer to talk to me about my problems instead of asking me to solve theirs? Maybe I'm just feeling left out of the relationship loop and trying to come to terms with that. But I can't remember the last time someone honestly and genuinely wanted to know what was happening in my life. it makes no sense.

[23 Sep 2009|10:50pm] Music wins again. And, as always, it never lets me down. 2 Like robot maids in Rocky IV, it makes no sense.

[28 May 2009|11:00pm] I think I'm the only person who remembers I have this... I'm going to go ahead and say I'm doing alright. I'm in a groove right now. I'm done at the shop. I have a blast on the weekends. I love the company I keep. And, I don't miss dealing with Matt's shit--at all. Sure, there's something I miss but I since I can't put my finger on it, it must not be that important. For now, I'm just taking everything as it comes. After all, the reason we do spring cleaning is so that we can enjoy summer vacation. it makes no sense.

[13 Apr 2009|12:16am] Overall, I'm really content right now: I would love a steady job but there's money coming in the door. And I'm gaining some type of experience, though I don't know what it is yet. I'm still at the shop but since I'm not closing every Saturday and Sunday, it's like I'm not even there. And since working there affords me a reason to be in Des Moines on the weekends, I'm okay with it. I love my weekends. I get to see my nearest and dearest as well as my drinking buddies. I've got a nice little crush on a bartender. There's a routine. And it's a blast. I'm mad that Matt had to shit talk me in order for me to finally burn that bridge...but I'm really glad he did it, simply because I'm a better person for it. I don't miss worrying about him. I don't need to wonder if I'm doing my job as a friend. He was a black hole for my energy and I'm glad I'm done with it. For now, life is good. it makes no sense.

[04 Apr 2009|06:40pm] I have never been more proud to be an Iowan as I am this weekend. The Iowa Supreme Court ruled that disallowing gay marriage is unconstitutional. I'm so proud that everyone gets to enjoy equal rights. it makes no sense.

[07 Mar 2009|05:45pm] Hmm...I'm pretty sure I've made the best choice ever in deciding to let this go. I like me better. it makes no sense.

[26 Feb 2009|10:54pm] Sometimes, life is more than I'm prepared to handle: ~Today, almost to the hour, is the one-year anniversary of my grandpa's death. I still can't think about it without getting choked up...so, no, it doesn't ever get easier to miss someone. ~I'm interviewing with temp agencies. I can't really believe I went to college for four years to do temp work. ~I wasn't talking to Matt at this time last year, same as now. Except this time, I think it's permanent. I wish him the best of luck in all his endeavors, I suppose. ~My aunt is going crazy and, being the problem-solver I claim to be, I want to help her. ~I'm so lonely in Nevada. it makes no sense.

[21 Jan 2009|07:34pm] How absolutely ridiculous of me to forget that true friends stab you in the front. Everyone else just stabs you in the back. it makes no sense.

[17 Jan 2009|11:28am] This is so fucked up right now. it makes no sense.

[07 Jan 2009|11:30pm] If there was nothing there, why is it taking so long for me to get over everything? I mean, I know it's happening--I'm finding myself caring less and less, even if it's merely incremental. Or maybe it's that I've grown accustomed to it. I'm just really tired of not having someone. I know it's ridiculous. I'm only 23; I have plenty of time. But it sort of seems unfair that I'm never the one guys want to talk to. No one asks for my number or any of that ridiculous shit. And yeah, it's the 21st century and girls can do what they want...but it's like a mini ego booster when someone singles you out. I dunno...it'd be really nice if there was someone in my corner for once. Someone who thought as much of me as I do them. I just think that would be really nice... it makes no sense.

[05 Jan 2009|10:22pm] I'm sick of shady people. it makes no sense.

[22 Dec 2008|10:25pm] The way it was, the way it is, the way it should be, the way I want it... None of it matches. I feel like I try really hard but never get anywhere. Is it possible I've left myself open to being walked all over? It seems like everything changed in February. I guess we'll see how February 2009 goes, yeah? And after 2 years of not talking, why would anyone think things had changed and that we should pick back up? What's Christmas going to be like without Grandpa? it makes no sense.

[14 Dec 2008|11:13pm] For the first time in years, I have more free time than I could possibly fill. Ironically, the people I want to see don't have the time to see me (or just don't want to see me. I really wish I'd left DSM earlier tonight simply because the drive home was more than I felt I could handle. It was only 40 minute but since I spend a lot of time with myself, I don't get to bullshit before I get to the point. As the mile markers rolled by, I moved from one topic to another: ~What do I do about Elisha? After not talking and being okay with it, she suddenly wants to talk. About what? What could we possibly have to talk about at this point? She claims we need to share our side of the story and that communication has never been a strong point. ~What are my memories of my grandpa? I'm not sure there are many. He was a pretty quite guy and I distinctly remember acknowledging how little I knew of him when he died. I guess we'll see what I can come up with, given that I have loads of free time. ~Am I making a difference in anyone's life? ~I keep trying to let people know how much they mean to me but I don't think I'm doing a good job. ~What am I doing wrong when it comes to the male species? Where do things go wrong? ~Have I made Matt a priority when he should only be an option? I'm pretty sure I'm only an option in his book. And when am I going to come clean about this whole thing? ~Jobs, jobs, jobs. Grad school, grad schoo, grad school. Bills, bills, bills. Money, money, money. ~What's my position in the emotional trainwreck? 1 Like robot maids in Rocky IV, it makes no sense.

[21 Nov 2008|05:02pm] I like seeing people smile their secret smiles....something catches their fancy and they have a genuine smile on their face...it's a good thing...almost as good as me realizing I don't need you. it makes no sense.

[10 Nov 2008|10:36pm] Wow. Major disappointment last weekend. I guess that's what I get. Still wishing I could get over this. And that I could get a real (or better) job. Every now and again, I stop to think about my current position. How did I get here? If I apply my thoughts on fate and destiny and all that crap, I must've done something to be in this current position. I'm not sure what but that doesn't really matter in the end. Apartment? Maybe? Everyone wants my money, including me. There's never enough, though. it makes no sense.

[23 Oct 2008|10:15pm] I suppose it's time I came to terms with the fact that I'm essentially an open book. Anyone who spends any amount of time with me knows it. So, I'm never sure why I try to put everything into a code here. Chances are, I'm going to tell you about it anyway and, if I don't tell you, it's because I know you don't want to hear it or I don't want to hear what you have to say. Basically, I'm loving the fall weather. I know it's cold and rainy and gross. But it's not so humid and hot that I start sweating the minute I step outside. Personally, I think I'm calmer in the fall. I'm not a fan of it getting darker but I can deal with it. Still not loving the lack of a real job but I like that I'm available to hang out whenever. If I could just quit the shop and be guaranteed a certain number of hours every week, life would be gold. Trying to decide if I can afford to live in DSM. Pros: I can cook at home and not have to eat out when I'm staying here. I don't have to drive 40 minutes to Nevada and back. I can unpack my boxes and live like a real person. I love being in DSM and knowing my way around. I could potentially work at the shop a few more days. I could see more of my friends. Cons: I have student loans coming up and I'm not sure I can afford those if I live in DSM. I have to buy my own food instead of living off of my folks. I'd be living with a couple. Jaci doesn't get along with some of the people I like to hang out with. I'm not sure I can save money because it might all be going to bills. Friendships are going well. I forgot how much fun Erin and I have together. Kenna's a blast. Laura's Laura. Matt's coming down next weekend. Things with him are less dramatic. I'm a fan. I'm not a fan of how potentially awkward next weekend could be. Kayla intimidates me and I have to keep my mouth in check around her. Ben and I aren't talking. Last time I saw Bubba, he told me that if it weren't for me, he and Matt would talk. No clue what that's even supposed to mean because I wasn't aware Bubba had a fucking clue as to what's been going on. If Jaci comes out or if Matt brings Lindsay? Thank God Erin has agreed to be my backup. I need someone in my corner. Pretending to write a book. It could go well or it could not. We'll see. Saw Ben Folds and had my ass handed to me in the best way possible. I loved every minute of his show and cannot wait to see him again. Generally, I am okay with life. I have some issues with it but overall, I'm appreciative of the way things are right now. I mean it when I say "Thank you". it makes no sense.

[25 Sep 2008|11:07pm] Last Friday was gold. it makes no sense.

[10 Sep 2008|11:01am] I am letting my own heart break. it makes no sense.

[24 Aug 2008|10:44pm] So, I've got these two arms. The way I see it, I can use them for two purposes: To hold or to push. Lately, I've been thinking they're meant for holding. Unfortunately, the universe does not tend to agree. Rejection has struck again, albeit in a much milder form. It's just something I can't get used to, ya know? I always secretly wonder if it's because of my weight. Aside from that, I'd like to think I'm a catch. I'm smart and witty, I'm not overly girly nor am I high maintenance (at least I don't think so...). I'm baaaaasically the whole package. But there's the fact that I'm not a size 6. I probably won't ever be that small and I accept that. Maybe it's the fact that I'm 23 and still single. No prospects and I'm foolishly holding out for someone I can't ever have. (Don't read into that and think you know who it is because I'll bet you don't.) People are starting to get engaged and married. In a few years, everyone will start having babies. Just a few steps behind, right? Salt in the wounds. Insult to injury. Not quite sure how to proceed because damn, this isn't getting any easier. More talking is happening, though, and I'm starting to feel certain that this, too, shall pass. I really think I've made my point (which is not at all what the last year has been about) and that the other party gets it. I'd like to think that my time hasn't been wasted and that you really are worth it. it makes no sense.

[03 Aug 2008|08:11pm] Miserable with, miserable without. I can't win. I'm more than a little confused and aggravated. I say I want no more to do with any of this but it's not working that way. If I spend three weeks at the farm, I'm going to drive myself crazy. it makes no sense.

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]